Family

Photos by Erin Watson & Sigurour Gilbertsson

I’ve got to say, for being a single dude, God has really blessed my life in some pretty fantastic ways. I’m surrounded by a lot of amazing people who walk with me daily through life’s joys and fears. I’m never bereft of company or something to do. And should I ever feel overwhelmed in any way, I need but utter the word and I have the support and comfort of any number of caring friends.

Even so, there are times when I abruptly pause as the wind of desire tears through me – a thought, a glimpse, a sharp pain. That life didn’t pan out as I’d once dreamed. By now, I fully expected to be married to an incredible woman with a second child on the way. Instead, it seems that the turbulence of coming to terms with a gay orientation stopped me in my tracks. Not just a pot-hole in the road that slowed me down but rather a major accident on the highway that incapacitated me for years … perhaps indefinitely. My heart longs for things that often feel so far beyond my reach. I wish to reflect the depths of God’s love for me in the deep welling heart rending love for a child of my own. I yearn to romance a Godly man, shower him with affection, and partner together through life. How I long for family sometimes. Sure, being single is great. I do whatever I want, whenever I want, with whomever I want. I can follow my itchy feet to the heights of every 14′er CO has to offer, explore the four corners of the globe … and yet there will always be one adventure I long for. The adventure of family. That of a lover. That of a father – a provider. I wish to follow Christ in laying down my life, resources, and heart for the objects of my affection.

And so for the millionth time, I find myself reminded to step back and consider how God is moving in my world even now. As Barry Danylack, Redeeming Singleness, points out, my life as a single man “is a visible reminder that the kingdom of God points to a reality which stands beyond worldly preoccupations of marriage, family, and career.” The reality that this love story is about Him … and me. That I can rejoice daily in recognizing His affection for me – how He woos and attends my heart to make it His own. And in that knowledge, I am again content.

So She Dances

It was a Thursday night at The Marquee, like any other Thursday night. Tiny pinpricks of light spun wildly around the room skittering across a sea of dancers moving in elaborate, smooth, West Coast Swing time to top 20 pop selections. Bodies sliding in eloquent motion… sexy and classy all at once… complicated turns and subtly meaningful glances.

I turned in greeting at the familiar touch on my shoulder. Josh’s ever-present grin flashed under the lights as he introduced me to a friend he’d invited out to The Marquee tonight. Gorgeous wouldn’t even begin to describe her! Large dark wavy hair cascaded around an exotic mocha complexion. Her skin tight clubbing dress was not quite appropriate with the evening’s style of dance but seemed completely at home on her as it embraced her curvaceous figure. I’ll be honest. I don’t remember her name at all, but the impression she left on me is permanent. Her shapely lips opened and I heard, “nigh.. oo mee youu.” I smiled graciously assuming the music had interfered with her speech or perhaps I just couldn’t quite comprehend her unique accent. I leaned in to make polite introductory conversation but then halted uncertainly when Josh’s hands flew up and signed furiously in time to my speech. It was during this intense dialogue (.. er trialogue?) that I learned the hand sign for ‘Lesbian’… when I ‘heard’ her heart wrenching story of her partner’s recent tragic encounter with cancer. We enjoyed a lively conversation as only two people who don’t share a common tongue do – through our eyes, body language, and of course our interpreter Josh. I learned of her struggle of being black in a white world, of being deaf in a vocal society, of being Lesbian in a straight culture… and then finding love with a woman who truly became her other half only to experience devastating loss. Welling emotion tangled in my throat and swelled in my eyes as she flipped through picture after picture on her phone of two smiling heart faced women – cream against mocha. Two pairs of eyes sparkling in the joy of the other’s presence.

I grabbed her hand and led her out to the dance floor where we awkwardly stood for a few seconds. How did one pull this off? Sensing my uncertainty, she reached out her hand and placed it softly on my chest. She closed her eyes, inclined her head gently to the side as if listening to music beyond my own auditory range. And then she tapped… tentatively at first but with growing confidence as she introduced me to the unmistakable beat resonating through the floor and up through our echoing bodies. I gradually became aware of the very air around us pulsating in rhythmic reaction to sounds audible to my ears only. And so we danced. And it was truly beautiful. What should have been her greatest obstacle became her ally as she moved in delicate sensitivity to my every leading motion, interpreting with freedom the song communicated through felt vibrations.

In that moment, I experienced a real sense of awe and revelation. Like a confused man viewing an abstract work of modern art who discovers an awareness of the true value of the piece – a beauty not necessarily found in the piece’s concrete elements of color, shape, and line… but rather a beauty intrinsic to the piece itself… established as so through artist intent and story. The story of her existence shone in reflection of her Creator. Life had handed her so much struggle and pain – and against all odds, she danced. Joyfully and with surety.

Nurturing Contentment Part II

When you ask that God would teach you to rely fully on Him and Him only… be careful.

With the arrival of a new year and the advent of the holidays, I’ve had lots of time to process and think through priorities. As is customary, I sat down to evaluate the past year and set new goals for the upcoming one.

Wednesday evening (the 5th): In this frame of mind, I enjoyed a rich conversation with my older sister who was visiting the States in time for my younger brother’s wedding. She challenged me to consider what it might look like to completely surrender every goal, plan, and desire to Christ…. “David, what if everything was stripped away from you – your community, your goals, your desires, your security… everything! Would God still be enough? Would you still find your joy and fulfillment in Him?”

Thursday morning (the 6th): my drive in to work was bathed in prayer and worship as I poured my heart out to God. I prayed that He would continue to reveal places in my life where I was still clinging to my own sense of identity apart from Him. I entered the office place in an almost surreal state of mind ready to brave whatever boredom corporate America would decide to shove my way. To the contrary, 10 minutes later, I found myself (along with several other coworkers) on the receiving end of a speech I thought I’d never hear… a speech ending with, “I regret to tell you this, but your position has been eliminated.”

The shock took a few hours to wear off… but then I found myself incredibly relieved. Happy even. If God had decided to close this chapter of my life, then I was more than glad to let it go… although perhaps not quite as excited to part ways with the cushy financial security I’d become accustomed to. Even so, this sure isn’t the first time I’ve had to live within a tight budget.

And so I find myself wearing the shoes of a recently unemployed man. Perhaps it really isn’t so bad?

First few days of unemployment – I threw a bachelor party, ensured the successful marriage of my little brother, and wished my family farewell as they boarded their various flights.

Since then, I’ve begun checking things off my unemployed bucket list: 1) Never shave!!, 2) refuse to wear a shirt for an entire day, 3) Work out as long and often as I want!, 4) Spend ridiculous amounts of time at Starbucks, 5) Watch back-to-back episodes of How I Met Your Mother… Its as if I’ve become reacquainted with that thing called summer break… er, more of a winter break I suppose.

…okay, so I realize this can’t last, but I sure am enjoying it for the time being! Aaaaand back to working on my new folio site for the job search.

Nurturing Contentment in Transition

image by Roman Wershinin

A solitary figure stood on a subway platform. His silhouette in stark contrast to the whirling blur of fast paced figures rustling past. Clocks ticked, shoes clattered noisily in urban rhythm to the beat of people boarding trains, doors whooshing shut, and cars rattling off into unknown exciting tunnels. The platform now empty, the figure still standing. Still frozen motionless on the platform. The trains departed… and gone. Silence. But for a few seconds. And then, the room stirred with life again. Hurried hectic figures brushed by again. Clocks ticked anew, furiously conducting a deja vu’d orchestration of opening-closing-arriving-departing. And in this way, the cycle repeated. and repeated. and repeated… different people, different trains, different stories. And still the solitary figure remained.

Such was the vision I found myself witnessing as I tried to put my feelings into words. Do you ever grapple with feeling like life has departed and you’ve somehow missed the train? I catch myself gazing forlornly down tunnels my friends have taken off into, wondering what remains left. Bitter-sweetly happy for them while wondering how often I will have to repeat the same cycle of building relationship, engaging friendship, discovering real brotherhood and fellowship… only to say farewell again as life shuttles them off to new and exciting adventures – often involving bright-eyed wives and laughing children. I have this sneaking suspicion that married people check into some secret exclusive club when they utter their “I do’s” at the altar. We’ve all seen it before. Suddenly, they’re rarely free to hang out or chat anymore. And I mean, I guess I get it, they’ve got important spouse & parental responsibilities now.

My little brother is getting married in two weeks. My two remaining original roommates just got engaged… Within a period of 18 months, I will have been groomsman twice and best man another two times. I think what frustrates me most is that I want to be overjoyed for them – brimming with pride and happiness at how God has chosen to bless them. Instead, I’m completely occupied with fighting to keep a lid on feelings of pain and abandonment that threaten to boil over. I’m really not trying to mope about being single (I’ll save that one for later). Rather, I’m lamenting the seeming loss of relationships. Well, okay. Not loss. Change.

While its important for me to grieve the change and distancing of my friendship with my brothers, its just as important to try and understand how God intends to use this situation as yet another means of drawing me to Himself.

Beau Hughes, a pastor at The Village Church, speaks about our human tendency toward discontentment – “We struggle with contentment not primarily due to our circumstances, but rather because of our struggle to trust God. We struggle with trusting that God is what is best for us and does what is best for us.”

Its so true! When I stop and honestly think about it, I am prone to slip into the mindset of trying to tell God how to bless me and my life. Ha! As if any plans or schemes that I have for myself could in anyway surpass His grand design. Instead, what does it look like to nurture contentment and thankfulness in my heart rather than continuing to dwell on my frustrations and bitter disillusionment with my life circumstances? Do I truly believe and trust that God will supply for all my relational needs according to his riches in glory? In that place of recognition, I can truly have joy for others and how God’s blessed them – still feel a healthy sadness, but find an ultimate satisfaction and hope in who God is and will continue to be in me.

“for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”
— Phil 4:11b-13

“Every painful thing we experience in relationships is meant to remind us of our need for God. And every good thing we experience is meant to be a metaphor of what we can only find in Him…. We settle for the satisfaction of human relationships when they were meant to point us to the perfect relational satisfaction found only with God.”
— Paul Tripp

Bare: A Pop Opera

Image via Raul P on Flickr

“…So you fill your life with sound,
And if you dance like hell,
You hope you never touch the ground.
What happens when the music stops?…”

Many of us know precisely what its like to put on an act… to refuse to acknowledge the truth about ourselves. It can be a bit of a hellish nightmare in which you’re constantly scrutinizing your every word and action to make sure you aren’t ‘found out.’ No one knows you for who you really are and you live in constant fear that if your friends and family knew the ‘real’ you, it would change EVERYTHING! I bought into this lie for much of my life… and experienced a lot of self inflicted pain and loneliness as a result. I’m so incredibly grateful for my relationship with the Lord and how He has been a continuous source of strength and love in the midst of all kinds of turmoil that has resulted from various situations pertaining to my orientation: dealing with rejection and callous words, coming out, processing through traditional vs affirming theology, and a million other things.
I have not seen this show personally. The extent of my exposure has been Grooveshark, a few YouTube clips, and a Wiki synopsis. Regardless, I find myself re-listening to some of the songs again and again. Anyway, thought I’d share. Be warned… content may make you a little emotional. Check it out:

Role of a Lifetime

Once Upon a Time

Looking for Love

Photo by Marino Cano

I had a great conversation this last weekend with some friends about how important it is to look for ways that God demonstrates his love to us on a daily practical level. Any little thing that can drive us to think of him, praise him, honor him for who he is. Its much like the many times I have walked in my front door exhausted from the week only to be suddenly overwhelmed with a fierce hug attack from one of my roommates. I had one such unexpected hug this past weekend… and I didn’t even know that I needed it.

In addition to the local gay choir that I sing with, I also participate with a smaller ensemble (within the choir). Well, this weekend, we were invited to perform at a benefit for the Homeless Services Coalition of Greater Kansas City. After our performance, I was approached in the hallway by a soft eyed middle aged woman. The first words out of her mouth were something along the lines of, “I don’t know how old you are, but when I saw you up there, I could easily imagine my son having the time of his life confidently enjoying himself like you guys obviously are.” She went on to explain that her son had come out recently and that he was having a difficult time coping with all that comes with it. Seeing us sing, she’d found hope that things would indeed get better (as Dan Savage puts it) for her son… after all, we seemed to be doing just fine. I was surprised by how deeply touched I was by this mother’s support and empathy for her son revealed in the obvious pain that colored her voice and pulled at her eyes. My chest constricted with emotion echoing her own… suddenly incredibly aware of how differently my own parents had responded when I’d come out to them. In tears myself now, I gave her a big hug, and as a surrogate son told her how much it meant to her child that she was staunchly supportive in her love for him and very clearly demonstrating that unconditional fact.

That moment re-awakened some emotions that I thought I’d already dealt with and laid to rest. I suppose we’re always in a process of healing rather than ever in a state of ‘healed’ – at least until we’re spiritually resurrected with Christ post-life. I’m aware again of how much hurt sometimes we carry (unknowingly even) because of miscommunication or general brokenness in our relationships with our parents. And this is something that’s universal… gay or not. In my case, the ‘gay’ thing has just forced me to face and emotionally deal with my broken relationship with my parents. I’ve become so acutely aware of how uniquely God has intervened in my own life to continue fathering and mothering me where I’ve needed that continued parenting. I’ve been freed to release my parents from unfulfilled expectations, hurts, and pain… indeed, to forgive them as Christ first forgave me. And in this, I’ve found so much freedom and hope! As such, I received that tearful hug from this random woman… joyfully recognizing God’s parental love and care in a very tangible way.

Thoughts at 14,000 feet

my shots from this weekend

“Just one more step.” I muttered to myself as I swayed wearily on the precarious, steeply-slanted, snow-slick trail that traces Mt Shavano’s massive side. Okay. Breathe. My quads threatened to cramp and render me immobile with each burning step forward. Snow lost traction beneath me and I tumbled, arms flailing, into a foot of shockingly cool but forgiving soft snow. Gasping at thin air, I lay for a few seconds and gazed in dazed wonder at the majestic fierce slopes that soared around my windswept eagle’s vantage point from just above 14000 feet near Mt Shavano’s taunting peak. Emotion welled deep inside me, my normal defenses worn down from 6 hours of continuous hiking and elevation gain in challenging conditions. “There is a very present God out there… who created all of this. Wow!” A chill of fear and awe rippled through me that had nothing to do with the wet snow sliding up under my jacket. “And yet, in His incomprehensible sovereignty and majestic glory, He cares about me, an insignificant speck of a dot on the barren white slope of a mountain in the middle of nowhere.” Tears born of icy wind and exhaustion froze crusty on the edges of my eye-lids. I felt like an ant who had stumbled across a dinosaur’s foot-print and was trying to imagine the impossible size and character of the creature who’d left it. Wonder… awe… fear… and under girding all of it was a sense of overwhelming peace and gratitude in the assurance of the love behind that incredible power.

This last weekend, I escaped with some friends on a much needed getaway to the Rockies. While much of the weekend was spent adventure seeking, I found several moments to reflect and recuperate from my normal day-to-day, cubicle-constrained, 8-5, office life. I’m amazed at how much perspective can be achieved just by removing myself from current circumstances. Such was one realization, rather reminder, as I crawled my way up my second 14er.

When I recognize my own insignificance in the face of God’s glory and grace, I am truly at peace. In the words of Paul Tripp, its so easy to lose sight of the fact that “grace has freed [me] from attaching [my] identity, meaning and purpose and inner peace to anything but the unshakable love of King Christ.” I’m freed from feeling the need to fight to establish and empower a kingdom of me. Instead, I can turn my attention to the kingdom that matters – where true satisfaction and joy can be found. I long to love with abandon, without fear for my own security and approval. When I fail and screw things up again, as I’m bound to do, I pray for the strength to find forgiveness to find hope in God rather than wallowing in shame! I want to earnestly seek God’s face with the frightening knowledge that I will be changed and painfully so. Indeed, within true humility and submission is true freedom. Even now, without the visual reminder of His grandeur, I pray that God will continue to grant me that place of cognizance of who I am – broken and free before Him. “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise” – Psalm 51:17.

More shots from this weekend

Gender Roles and Dancing

Photo by Albert Bredenhann

I’m an avid dancer.

I’m an avid many things actually… just professional/amazing nothing.

In the wake of my ever spontaneous sister, I learned early on as a young teenager to enjoy the passionate fun found in embracing the flings of a ‘new’ hobby or craze. Since, I was am horribly uncoordinated in coping with flying projectiles, I avoided sports like the plague and tagged along as her faithful partner in crime into all sorts of random capers – navigating international airports together as preteens, discovering the back ways to the bus-stop by cutting through crowded Bangkok slums, illegally participating as foreign child laborers at a factory in our Thai neighborhood (to supplement our allowance of $5/month), fending off the wild stray dogs that terrorized our street, stamp/coin collecting, mall-ratting, bible studying, starting up and heading up a bi-lingual youth group in our church, reading, knitting, singing, evangelizing, eating Papaya Salad as spicy as a local would, swimming, tromping all over Bangkok’s out-door shopping scene, ‘accidentally’ finding ourselves late at night in a strictly forbidden (by our parents) red-light district area purely out of curiosity, not to mention a multitude of other adventures. And so it was that I got into dancing and figure-skating… er, woops, I mean ice-skating of course.

With that unnecessary rambling back-story out of the way, I’ll move on to attempt to make a somewhat haphazard analogy that I’ve recently stumbled upon in my contemplations regarding gender roles and complementarianism. You may recall an early on post where I question how embracing gay relationships conflicts with my previous understanding of Scripturally prescribed gender roles in a relationship. A complementarian approach would say: one man and one woman in a marital partnership together is unique and beautiful God-ordained relational joining that prescribes gender-specific roles of leadership and submission, love and respect, in order to reflect “[God's] trinitarian nature, his covenantal love in marriage, and his authority and submission in the church” (Nick Bogardus, The Resurgence). My entire life, I’ve been raised in light of this view of scripture and to this day still tend to view relationships with this perspective as my default… which has created obvious hiccups when I consider what same-sex relationships should look like.

And now finally, to my analogy. On a relational/interactivity level, two people in a marriage relationship should be able to ‘dance’ or ‘skate’ in unison time to their joint life soundtrack. One leads, one follows. One supports, one leans. One pursues, one responds,  There’s a dynamic play of interactivity that when done right results in a beautiful synchronistic movement in response and interpretation of a greater musical scheme. Just as in dance, men and women fill culturally prescribed roles in relationships. However, depending on the dance, these can vary greatly. In fact, more often than not, responsibilities are switched and re-matched. In Swing or a lot of types of Ballroom, the man initiates and guides the woman through a variety of movements. He must lead delicately with careful sensitivity to her style, and she must learn to respond to the slightest guiding hand movement. However, pair-skating is quite different. In order for pair skating to work, the woman must lead while giving the appearance that the man is still leading. In reality, he’s just a support to help her shine. She sets the tone and direction, deciding on where to go and when to turn. He must think two steps ahead and try to predict her decisions so he can be there in full support to keep her balance intact. Both situations require a careful interactivity and specific role fulfillment… but these roles look incredibly different for the different circumstances/situations.

As I’ve researched and read various books and blogs, I’ve come to note two specific problems with my previous understanding of scripture as it pertains to complementarianism. I neglected to take broader historical and cultural context into consideration. 1. Scripture prescribes these gender roles from a heterosexual speaker to a predominantly hetero-normative audience. Since holistic monogamous same-sex relationships weren’t even on the radar, no instructions were offered specific to that situation. 2. The culture in which these roles were given was a male-dominated and male-run society that didn’t allow for female independence or identity apart from her father/husband/master/brother/male-relation.

Have I neglected to consider that maybe complementarianism isn’t the only structure that might be scripturally appropriate within relationships for modern society?

Perhaps like the dancing/pair-skating analogy, gender roles in relationships are more fluid, changing with different cultures and circumstances while still achieving the same end-goal: a harmonious, God-honoring, mature, and ever-growing relationship between two individuals. I’m not attempting to debunk or replace the long established tradition of the complementarity model. Rather, at the risk of sounding relativistic, I’d like to postulate that perhaps there isn’t a set modality that can be prescribed to all couples universally. After all, every couple functions differently based on each individual’s gifting and personality. Perhaps while complementarity may work best for some couples, other couples work better in light of a mutual-submission or egalitarian relational approach? I honestly don’t know. Its a new concept to me that needs more thought.

There are so many other paths that this conversation could take. What about the scriptural analogy of  God and his bride, the church, being reflected in marriage between men and women? What about headship and submission? How do we know that it was only a cultural prescribed phenomenon rather than one that is rigid and must be strictly adhered to? What about the fact that men and women do seem to balance each other from more than just a biological standpoint, but also emotional and mental? Can two people of the same gender ‘complement’ each other in a similar way? All great questions for a future post… or a different blogger. And thus I end rather inconclusively I’m afraid. Please feel free to comment/email with links to any other articles sources pertaining to this subject matter. I’m continually seeking to expand my understanding and would love to hear your thoughts.

For a much more scripturally conscious exploration of this topic, check out this post by Missional Theology.

Under Fire – remix

Photo by Brian Day

I realized I should probably give a thoughtful response to each of the below comments rather than assuming that all my readers will be able to automatically understand where I’m coming from and why I would react to these statements. After all, each of these statements were made by people who I trust and deeply respect. Hence, I’m re-publishing a remix of this post with my added thoughts. aaaand remix:

I wonder why I feel like I must fight so very hard to defend my acceptance of my orientation… The following are excerpts from actual conversations I had within the past month.

Common questions/confrontations/accusations that my friends raise with regard to ‘the gay thing’

Comment: “Gay people stumble in making an identity out of their orientation. They talk about it all the freaking time! Jeeeze, chill out people. Its not like we (heteros) are always talking about being heterosexual and parading that in front of everyone.” This is also commonly phrased as a confrontation – “David, as much as you process this and it seems to be on your mind, I feel like you’re finding an unhealthy level of identity in this.”

Response: There’s actually a lot of truth to this statement and I really appreciate the guy who in all sincerity expressed this concern to me. Like anything else, there’s a lot of danger in focusing too much on one aspect of yourself – after all, as broken humans we are constantly attempting to find satisfaction apart from our true hope and identity in Christ. Its easy to understand why we’d feel the inclination to elevate our gay identification. As an anonymous blogger put it, “to the degree that someone feels oppressed based on a certain characteristic, they will identify with that characteristic in a proportional way.” That’s why the nerds elevate their nerdiness, ethnic minorites elevate their cultural association, workaholics elevate their job position, etc. In recognition of this inclination, I still find good reason to discuss and study about the gay in me. While true, I must be careful to put my pursuit of God first and not neglect other aspects of my person, this is an internally controversial part of me that needs to be better understood and dealt with.

Comment: “why do you feel the need to have to know and hang out with other gay people? I struggle with eating, its not like I get together with all ‘my fatties’ to hang out all the time.”

Response: While I understand this comment… I also react quite strongly to it. For it assumes that my ‘gay struggle’ is in fact just like any other forbidden sin in the bible. Rather, I would identify it more closely with an ethnic group of people or perhaps another ‘gender’ group. Being gay isn’t a behavior per say (though it can be), but rather a deeper part of our being that directly affects the way we think and typically creates many shared experiences – for ex., most gay people will automatically understand the fight against shame and judgement based on orientation. I deeply value diversity in my community and continue to seek out people who think quite differently from myself. However, we all feel the need to seek out people who understand us with regard to what makes us unique. My response was that just as I seek out gay community, I also seek out community with other Christians, internationals, men, artists/designers, runners, etc.

Comment: After discussing at length why I feel I am at this time in my life called to being single/celibate – unable to in good conscience date men or women for that matter. “Huh. Yeah, I can understand that – but why can’t you date girls?”

Response: This was a super frustrating convo. I think at the end, my take-away is that this is a really difficult issue for Christians to understand. Our worldview has been faithfully engrained in us from our young childhood by our loving parents who discipled us and put us through every bible/church-related thing they thought would grow us spiritually. While on one hand, this provides many of us with a solid spiritual foundation, on the other hand, it makes contemplating something that goes contrary to this mindset incredibly difficult. I had to realize that this straight Christian man just had no reference point to be able to understand why on earth I couldn’t just decide to date good Christian women and let my natural masculine biological created self take over. A good friend admitted to me just last night that much of his aversion to pro-gay theology doesn’t come from a place of biblical confidence but rather a culturally inherited one.

Comment: “I understand what you are dealing with. I mean, I have an unwanted natural inclination to want to sin as well. I struggle with being tempted to lust after women, you just happen to struggle with that about men. Why is your struggle any different?”

Response: Lol. I’ve heard this one so often now that I almost laughed. Sure, we’re all called to celibacy before marriage. Sure, we’re all on the same playing field in terms of brokenness and natural tendency toward sin. Were pro-gay theology in fact truth, yes, there would be no difference. However, if acting on gay attractions is indeed counter to scripture (as the speaker of this statement confidently believes), then there is a very distinct difference to our shared fight for purity. For in that case, as a gay man, I would be forbidden from ever hoping to experience the deeper levels of human intimacy that are satisfied sexually within the bonds of God-blessed, marital, monogomous commitment.

Comment: After excitedly telling a friend about registering for GCN’s upcoming conference. “Is that a good idea from a temptation standpoint? I don’t know how I feel about you being around that many gay people for several days.”

Response: I am so appreciative that I live in a community where my brothers feel comfortable enough to question me and voice their concerns out of a sincere desire to look out for my best. However, this one cracks me up. I live in a decent sized city within close proximity to the gay-er part of town. I encounter gay people on a frequent basis and sing with over 100 gay men in a very not-Christian, out-and-proud community choir. While yes, I’m sure there will be many people at the conference with whom I will be sexually compatible, that doesn’t mean I’m going to be any more tempted than usual to compromise my values… and when we take into account the fact that its a Christian conference, that likelihood is even less. I’m a little offended to be honest. My straight brethren are around people who are potential sexual partners far more often than I ever am, yet we don’t freak out about that. Lol, I don’t attempt to dissuade my roommates from going to church every Sunday out of concern that they won’t be able to hold to their values around so many beautiful women.

But then, there have also been the blessings

-my roommate and best friend told me that he wants to tag along to the GCN conference because he wants to “walk through this journey with [me]“

Response: I cried. I know that my coming out has been extremely difficult for him and he’s had to deal with a lot of personal issues with homophobic prejudice. Whether or not he’s actually able to come, that he would be willing to put himself in such an uncomfortable situation for my sake really got to me.

-getting connected to some GCNers in KC and hearing their stories.

Response: Actually knowing people on a personal level who have struggled through the internal gay-Christian conflict makes a huge difference. Its like discovering a your own minority within a minority.

-while not affirming, my roommates are incredibly supportive and always provide a listening ear or shoulder to cry on

- reconnecting with a friend from college and coming out to her only to discover that she is lesbian. The ensuing discussions have been thoroughly enjoyable.

Cool Stuffs Worth Checking Out

Taken by my coworker near his house

A Puritan Prayer: The Valley of Vision. My amazing sister shared this with me some time ago. The puritans are great at putting a Biblical gospel-centered light on difficult situations. This poem continues to be an encouragement to me on a regular basis.

Slaggety Slagg: I wish I’d known about people like this guy back when I attended SBU, a small Baptist university in Missouri. His essay and stories (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3) really resonated with me. If you’re interested in LGBT movements on Christian Universities, also check out: HU Queer Press and One Wheaton

Relevant Magazine: The best way I know how to describe this webzine is culturally relevant while still theologically conservative. While Focus on the Family’s Boundless seems to speak from the perspective of people wrapped up in that strange parallel universe known as Christian Culture, Relevant (as their name implies) does a great job of addressing secular culture as Christians who live in that culture. I thought this article was particularly well written: ‘Christian & Gay‘

John Shore: This guy cracks me up. His humorous approach to advocating on the behalf of gays in the church puts a smile on my face.

GCN: God’s blessed my face off through this site and people who frequent the forums. I’ve officially registered for my first conference coming up this winter.

Current fav songs:
“Every Teardrop is a Waterfall” – by Coldplay
“Calgary” – by Bon Iver

LGBT Creative Series: interviews with various illustrators and images of their work

“Nurturing Contentment,” a sermon by Beau Hughes of The Village Church in TX. I’ve listened to this talk twice already! Its a beautiful reminder to find our fulfillment and satisfaction in Christ regardless of our current circumstances.